General Boy’s Office Policy - Team Building
Over the months and years I have been here, I have participated in several team building excercises, and where possible, embraced espirit de corps. When presented with retirement cards for some spotty old man in Spatial Relations I have never exchanged a single syllable with, I have gladly added some non-committal parting words. When the chubby plain girl with no personality from Asset Management went on maternity leave, I threw a few gold coins in the zip lock bag along with everyone else. I have bought rounds at the pub when rounds were bought for me.
However, one recent event has made my position abundantly clear, and I can only thank the person responsible for bringing this to my attention. In light of this information, please be advised of a general cutback in generosity and goodwill affecting all staff, effective immediately.
The donuts you all scoffed on my recent birthday are the last you will ever see from me, and the cash I contributed for my right to sign dozens of cards will no longer be forthcoming. In fact, please do not even present cards or collections to me in future.
As a gesture of my independence, and to reduce the obviuos burden I place on the organisation, I have also commenced bringing my own tea bags and milk to the office. Although this hasn’t been raised as an issue, in light of recent developments I feel the need to be proactive. Further to this, I also withdraw from the office Xmas party lest someone complain about me “sponging” by virtue of consuming free liquor. It’s only fair and reasonable I should do so. Might I also that if I want to see a drunk biker chick slut flash repeatedly, I will go to a titty bar. At least I am unlikely to bump into any ex-employees there. Still, if that’s how she pays indirectly for her “free” xmas drinks, then I guess everyone wins.
Finally, except for the handful of individuals I have come to know as friends, and would gladly spend out-of-office time with, fuck the lot of you.